Fat Tuesday/Whiny Addie

As promised, Im finally doing my post on lent as today is Fat Tuesday/ Mardi Gras and the last day before lent...

since almost anyone who reads this is probably Baptist and doesnt know about or participate in lent (not sure about amanda), so I thought I would explain a little about it and what Im about to put myself through... :)

ok, so tomorrow is Ash Wednesday - the beginning of lent... so what exactly is lent? its the 40 days before Easter (not including Sundays)... this is a period of fasting - many people hear 'fasting' and automatically think 'no food', but thats not the type of fast we are talking about - usually its just cutting one thing from your diet (a weakness) or cutting something else out of your life - like television or such... it can also be accompanied by adding a good thing (like 15 minutes of exercise a day)... but usually you give up a weakness for lent - the whole point is too imitate Christ's 40 day fast to become more like Him - to make a sacrifice (giving up something you love)... and anytime you are tempted to give in and cheat, then you pray until the urge passes... this should be a real prayer building exercise...

Im giving up all sweets (except for natural sweets like fruit), and Daniel is giving up all caffienated drinks - these are serious weaknesses of both of ours... they say it takes 21 days to break a habit... we will see, thats what I would love to happen - I detach that sweet tooth from my body... more than that, Im hoping to strengthen my prayer life and in turn, strengthen my walk... Im pretty stagnant right now, so Im hardly proud of where I am... so Im looking forward to tomorrow...

so since you didnt know about lent, then you probably didnt know about the past of mardi gras - any guesses? well, mardi gras is the last day before lent... its the last big hurrah before you have to give up whatever it is that youre giving up... although it has become something much more, something filled with debauchery and excess... I hardly believe anyone down there is celebrating mardi gras with the intent of giving up everything tomorrow... but you lead the life you choose - no judgment from me... see, you learn something new every day... :)

here are some sites to check out for more info on lent (these are all pretty short, so dont be afraid to check them out)
lent
why doesnt my church celebrate lent?
fasting
an essay on lent I really like


--------------ok, this next part is just me whining and having a pity party, so if you are tired of reading this kind of stuff from me, then dont read below here------------------------------------------

the weather is still wet and gloomy and its seriously affecting my mood, I feel like Im sinking further and further down (and I even have my pink jacket on today)... it also could have to do with gabe deciding he only needs to sleep from 12-5 or that Im dreading this weekend since daniel wont be with me... things just keep going through my mind that normally would never cross it...

the biggest being is that Daniel and I really dont have any friends our own age anymore.... dont get offended if youre reading this, let me finish my thought... its just that for as long as I can remember, Ive attached myself to one person - usually a guy... if you know me from high school, then you probably remember tony, jamie, or todd... if you know me from NE, then, that would be Cliff (big surprise there), Im a serial monogomist, I guess... but back to my point... since Ive always been attached to one person, I never really make any serious friends b/c I never let them in completely or give them a serious amount of my time - Im pretty selfish, it seems... so no, its not their fault... so most of the people that I know are more associated with memories and a certain point in my life (maybe 2) rather than actual friends - meaning that we are friends b/c we were once friends not b/c we really hang out now - does that make sense? I think most people can agree... Im not saying I dont love you b/c I seriously do, but there are just extenuating circumstances that keep us apart and keep us from becoming the kind of people who hang out all the time at each others houses playing cards and such... if its not distance, then its time or just other stuff... we all have it...

but I get so jealous reading other people's blogs and about how much fun they had with their friends over the weekends, they got together and just went out to eat or something (hmmm... this sounds like an entry of my own, oddly enough) or they got together with their families and had such a great time... I dont want to be jealous but cant help it...

we are such a self-deprecating society - meaning we teach each other that we arent worth anything and we run ourselves down constantly... tell any woman that you like her dress and she will say how it really isnt that great, and how its old or it makes her look fat, etc... I tend to do the same thing - am I so unlovable? am I so dispensable? Im tired of being the novelty - do you know how many people know me, but dont really know me - do you know how many people I see in walmart who are like 'hey, I know you' or something along those lines, when really they dont know who I am or what I like or dislike... Im just the short girl who doesnt look her age...

and what gives anyone the right to tell me "you are so short" as if I dont know, or "how old are you?" and then respond with "no you are not" when I tell them, as if Im an idiot, and why should anyone look down their noses at me when I walk around a store with my baby?

its not fair, but life isnt fair... suck it up and deal with it...

*random moment
and since they dont read this, and havent written or spoken to us since december (even though Ive written them), I will complain about some people who I thought were my friends... daniel and I hung out with them at least once a week if not more, even if we just got together for Bible studies... a couple our own age - we were excited - in fact, they were married on the date of our first date, that was so cool... although they didnt have the perfect marriage, it seemed like they hardly loved each other at times, but they got along (they only dated a few months before they got married)... it wasnt long after they got married that they started trying to have a baby - mostly b/c she was looking for love b/c she always needed approval (she never did learn to love herself), even though their lives were always out of order... but it never worked for them - it just didnt seem like a possibility... but of course, I believe that God gives you what you can handle whether its what you think you need or not... I can understand why they dont have a baby, they dont even have themselves together... I didnt tell them that as I didnt want any hurt feelings... then they moved, but we still stayed close through email and calls, until the pregnancy... since weve had gabe, never do they call us or write or even email, when they do email, there is never any mention of the baby... when I send them links to pics, they never reply... it really hurts that they could turn so easily... I know its hard when you cant have your own when you want it, but is it right to deny your friends b/c of it... the kicker is, this guy is a preacher... dont know the point of that story, guess I just needed to tell someone, and get it out of my system...
*end of random moment

you know, Im not really blaming anyone besides myself... I know that I live a very very charmed life and people would kill for my life and yet, here I sit, and complain... I think its just human nature - although that doesnt mean its right, as Im not suppose to be of this world....

I think the second part of this post was more for me than anything else.... just to get it out there and stop holding it in...

I think I will now list all the things I am really thankful for
1. God
2. my husband who spoils me daily
3. my beautiful baby - his smile can completely change me
4. the friends I do have - I know you are there and probably reading this
5. my family who still loves me even when I go crazy
6. a good house, that Im finally starting to love and not wish for anything bigger or better
7. a good job that allows me to have this blog
8. lent - hopefully I will learn something
9. my church - weve only been there a year and a half and already its become home
10.Im beautiful - b/c daniel thinks so, no matter what anyone else in walmart thinks...


so thats it for today, although I have some other things on my mind that I will probably post about... and you know actually Im feeling a little better... guess I just needed to not hold things in - just get it out there, know what I mean... anyway... hope the rest of you are good... could you please pray for a little sunshine for me, I could use it... :)